First Date

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Today, just quietly, there’s this event. Two friends — good, highly-valuable friends — may-or-may-not-be having a date. And I may-or-may-not-have purposely introduced them. That is all I will say about that subject apart from the fact that it makes me giggle like I am a kid being tickled. And as a kid I was (and still am) highly ticklable. I just might confess to also say – all this is one of my ultimate dreams. What this says about me – I don’t know. Feel free to judge.

Anyway. Just cause I am so giddy I thought I would give you all some “first date” advice. Obviously from my perspective. Just putting stuff down. Like the title of this blog says.

1) DESIGNATED MEETING POINT

The meeting point is not just a spacial consideration – time is also important. A daylight first date screams traditional and ‘taking-things-slow’. But the harsh light of day will highlight any potential cosmetic failings. Plus you just might have to remain sober. If you think you can perform under these circumstances – and crucially if you get the vibe that your date is receptive too – then ok. But for fuck’s sake – choose an early evening setting if in any doubt.

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2) COMPLIMENTS

Within the first three sentences you should say something nice about what she is wearing – but don’t force it. Saying something nice about her hair-clip (as lovely as it may seem) kinda gives the game away. Saying a nice thing about her hair is another minefield. “I like what you have done with your hair,” is seemingly innocuous, but in fact you are saying “I like your hair better than the first time I saw you. Ew.” And what do you know about hair anyway?

3) LISTEN

At all times – listen to what she is saying and maintain eye contact. Let her finish her sentences and ask her for more detail where it interests you. If she’s right for you – this will come naturally. But it’s helpful to remember these things. Especially if you get as excited and nonsensical as I do under these sorts of pressure.

You don’t want to be using personal pronouns too often. But it is important to accentuate any common interests. “OMG – I love that band too!” <- Perfect. “Well, that reminds me of the time I climbed Mount Everest. Day One went like this…” <- UGH! WHO CARES!??!

Keep sentences short and no big intense conversations. This time is about innocent discovery – not an interrogation. Use all the skills they taught you in Charm School.

4) DRINKS

Make sure you finish your first drink AFTER she does. This is very important. You should look relaxed, in control and as less like a drunkard party-boy as possible. She will find that stuff out later. For the second round of drinks you can take the lead and finish first, but don’t go too quick. For the third – if you get that far – you can go nuts.

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5) CLOTHES

The meeting place does have some bearing on this. But I would say – don’t dress up too much, but obviously don’t dress down. She won’t believe you are treating this seriously if you rock up in shorts and thongs. Dress like you could safely get into a restaurant.

6) JOKES

Do not make any jokes that reference TV shows unless you are sure she is hyper-aware of this particular TV show. You do not want to be spending precious time explaining what was initially – a rather dull joke. It goes without saying – no “Your mum” jokes. Also, limit the cussing lest you think Tourette’s is endearing to a person you have barely met.

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7) QUIT WHILE YOU ARE AHEAD

If things are going extremely well – don’t push it too far. After a suitable period – draw a conclusion to the affair and as humbly as possible – ask for a second date.

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