Things the World Divides Over: Eating Edition



Because I was raised a vegetarian until the age of 12, I worked out quite late in life that I really had no idea about (or really understood) the culinary philosophy of “meat and three vegetables” — which it seemed most of my peers were raised on. Apparently it is still the most popular dish served in Australian homes.

And once introduced to that “meat + 3” cultural phenomenon I gradually realised there was a science to suffering this nightly humdrum. Some of those raised on this doctrine played with the idea and decided to “stack”. They neatly cut up the stuff on their plate and carefully combined 2 or more items in a “stack” on their fork. When this was revealed to me I was dumbstruck. My instinct was to ingloriously shovel one of those four portions as quickly as possible into my mouth without any thought. See, I am a simple man. And historically food for me has just been “sustenance”. And the act of eating is treated similarly — almost in a primal way. I eat like the cat eats — which isn’t pretty. I eat quickly lest someone steal my food, I eat everything on my plate just in case the next meal is forever away (not a habit the cat practices it should be said), and I could happily eat the same things over and over for the rest of my life (but in saying that — I am developing a taste for variety in my old age).

And this brings me to the next subject.


In that tiny fraction of a second where you ponder the plate in front of you, certain people will assess what tastes best like they had the Terminator’s analytic computer snuck into their brain and decide to save that for last and attack the “healthy, boring” shit first. But naturally others would devour all the best stuff first and leave the worst for last and wonder why the end of the meal was such a struggle and a massive fight with the parentals. IDIOTS!


And following on from all this… maybe this is just me — but I have never, ever ordered a dessert at a restaurant. When the dessert menu comes out I am overflowing and full of sheer REGRET at how much I have just consumed. Perhaps that’s because I have that “eat everything on your plate just in case” vibe. I also cannot help but order something ridiculously decadent for my main. So I am seriously perplexed by anyone who indulges in this dessert activity. Where do they find the room? The world divides.


It goes without saying that a LOT of people hate that aniseed flavour. Indeed I think there are officially packets of jelly beans that quite racistly exclude “the black ones”. But for me, the black jelly beans were so orgasmically intense and so much better than the other dipshits in the packet — they were like treasure. And having a predilection for them just meant if a kid had a packet of jelly beans to share, there were more for me. Genius.

(Not my photo btw)


So 2 minute noodles are something I could write a whole blog about. And it is because they were my introduction to cooking — unless you count making toast as cooking — and 2 minute noodles were where I cut my teeth (if that’s not confusing my metaphors). I suspect cooking is just like songwriting. It’s all about timing, experimentation, and knowing the rules just so you can break them.


See how I juxtaposed the KitchenAid with the Mi Goreng?

Anyway — I spent 3 long years in uni and I made a lot of noodles — and this was in the primitive days before Mi Goreng. So the point here is that everyone makes their noodles their own way. For instance there are those that like the wet version and others who like to drain. Some people add butter or cheese — and then there’s my friend Jess Jardine who adds peanut butter. Weird!


Dee loves utensils. She is borderline obsessive about having a knife for every single meal — even if the meal is easily consumed without one. Indeed I suspect when soup is on the menu she secretly wishes for at least a “spork”. Meanwhile, I will only use a knife when it is absolutely necessary.


I am interested to know if there are other divisions in the eating community — you know, make a comment if you want. Dee tells me she can’t stand mixing fruit and meat (unless it’s pineapple, and usually ham) and that two distinct meats in a meal is a big no-no.